Holding On
by emzylou
Summary: Story starts off at the end of season 3 and is my take on how things go from there.
1. Discovering

_**Black** _

Everything was dark. But Ryan Atwood was sure he had his eyes open. He blinked a few times until he was able to make out shapes in the darkness. Eyes searching, he soon found a tiny ray of light from the digital clock. 21:52. Looking down at himself he saw everything was dark there as well.

_**Blood**_

His clothes were drenched in a dark liquid. His blood. Oozing in a constant stream from all over his body. And from each of those wounds came

_**Pain**_

Excruciating pain. Like nothing he'd ever experienced before. Right now, the pain from all those beatings back in Chino didn't amount to much in comparison to what he was feeling now. He knew he was in bad shape; memories of past events told him that several of his bones were broken. Ryan took a gasping breath, finding little relief from the smoky air.

_**Heat** _

Ryan became aware of bristling heat slowly warming all of his body. Invisible flames seemed to lick at him, trying to singe his skin. Trying to take him away.

**_Giving up_**

As Ryan sat there, semi-conscious, he could feel his life source ebbing away, leaving him drained. Dolefully he accepted that this would be the end for him. It was too hard to move; too painful. It wasn't worth it; as Ryan headed towards unconsciousness again; there was nothing worth fighting this pain for.

**_Hopelessness_**

Ryan's head fell onto his shoulder. Through heavy eyes he struggled to make out the discernable object beside him. His eyes flickered over to the clock as the time changed; 21:53. He dragged them back to the thing beside him when he heard a small moan escaping from it.

"R…iss," Ryan croaked, heart breaking at the sight of the beautiful, broken body beside him.

_**21:53**_

21:53 was the moment Ryan Atwood's heart stopped.


	2. Escaping

Ryan coughed violently as he came back round. _I'm still here then. _Turning his head slightly, he realised that he was still in the car, and Marissa was still beside him. _S hit, she looks like she's in a bad way. _More than ever, Ryan could smell the thick smoke circulating. Despite the pain that he had so nearly given in to before, Ryan knew what he had to do.

You've got to get her out Atwood, it's not about you anymore. Doesn't matter if it kills you, you've got to protect Marissa Cooper.

Slowly raising his aching arm, Ryan tried to open his door, but found it was jammed shut. Then he noticed the shattered windscreen in front of him. Body screaming with every move he made, Ryan inched slowly up and through the windscreen, rolling suddenly out and landing in a heap on the ground.

White hot pain rushed round his body. Ryan was physically exhausted, and once more giving up seemed the best option; by far the easiest at any rate. But the smog churning out of the car convinced him that he had to do something. _Gotta get Marissa out of there. _

Ryan tried out stand, but there was no strength in his legs and they buckled straight away. At least one of them felt like it was probably broken. So Ryan painstakingly crawled over to Marissa's side of the car.

Peering in through the window, Ryan had an overwhelming urge to throw up; Marissa was lying crumpled up in the seat, her beautiful body blood stained and bruised. Her breaths were rasping and laced with pain. Ryan was unable to contain himself as the bile rose up his throat, spewing, amongst other things, blood onto the tarmac.

To his dismay, Marissa's door was also stuck. Ryan tried banging the window, hoping he could somehow rouse Marissa. Glancing over the top of the overturned car, Ryan saw the flickering flames stretching dangerously close to the car's gas supply.

In pure frustration, Ryan through his broken body at Marissa's door. Nothing. Wrenching sobs choked Ryan as he ran his fingers down Marissa's door, wishing that he could only turn back the clock and do something differently. His eyes brimmed with tears that Ryan refused to let fall.

Inside the car it was becoming increasingly difficult for Marissa to breathe. Hearing a thud against the door, she had turned her head, searching for the cause of the impact. Blearily she opened one eye a fraction; her line of vision met with Ryan's. Seeing the state of him caused her to open the other eye. _My God! Ryan! He looks so hurt; I need to help him, he needs help! _Marissa feebly tried to open her door, but couldn't even manage to lift her arm a few cm's off her lap.

Her gaze travelled back to Ryan's. Ryan stared into her eyes; the spark behind them was fading quickly; Marissa's very essence seemed to be disappearing before him. Then, and only then, did Ryan allow his tears to fall. _Maybe it's about time an Atwood cried. Because there's nothing else I can do._

_NO! I can't stop now; I'd rather die trying to save her than watch her leave. _With seemingly superhuman strength, Ryan rammed his body against the door once more, screaming in agony as his shoulder hit it. The effort caused Ryan to slide down the car so he was lying slouched on the ground once more.

To his amazement, the force of his impact had somehow managed to pop the door open. _I can get her out! _Wiping his forehead to try and prevent the blood trickling down his face, Ryan used the door frame to lever himself up and support him so he could kneel next to Marissa.

Unclasping her seatbelt, he rolled her onto his back and over his shoulders. Crying out at the agony caused by the added weight to his body, Ryan stumbled away on all fours, fighting the urge of his body to just collapse. A few metres away from the car, it was too much for him and he finally caved. His body lay flat on the ground, with Marissa slumped over the top of him.

One glance back at the car told Ryan it was going to erupt in flames soon. He rolled out from underneath Marissa and covered her body with his as the fire finally found the gas tank and there was a mighty explosion. Debris rained down upon him, but Ryan didn't care. _Just as long as Marissa's safe. _

Pulling out his phone, Ryan dialled 911. "_Help_" he rasped into the phone, before it dropped from his grasp.


	3. Awakening

Drowsily, the eyes opened, each flicker of the lids a painstaking effort. The surroundings were unfamiliar and a blur. A man in a white coat suddenly came into view.

"Glad to see you're awake, you've given us quite a scare. I'm going to go and see about getting you some more pain medication." With that, the man left the room.

--------

A woman sat beside the bed of the patient, tears trickling down her face as she stared intently at the body.

A man entered the room and hurried over to her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly.

"Any developments?" he asked.

She shook her head softly, and a fresh wave of tears cascaded down her face.

"The police say they've found Volchok."

She nodded her head; the news was little consolation to her at the moment.

"The kids have gone home for the moment, to get some rest. Do you maybe want to do the same?"

She shook her head vehemently.

"I can't leave Ryan like this Sandy. I won't be able to rest until I know he's going to be okay."

Sandy sighed and pulled his wife closer to him. _Come on kid, we're all counting on you to get better here._

----------

Marissa was awoke for the second time. This time, it wasn't the pain that had woken her, but the sensation of someone holding her hand. _Ryan!_

Shifting her head over to look at the occupant of the chair beside her, Marissa's heart sank when she saw it wasn't Ryan but her mother.

"Ryan" she croaked. "Where's…Ryan?"

Julie stifled a sob at her daughter's words. _How am I supposed to tell her about Ryan? It'll break her heart._

"Shh, sweetie, it's gonna be ok. You go back to sleep."

Marissa protested feebly as she felt sleep washing over her once more, calling out for Ryan one last time before falling into a deep slumber.


	4. Waiting

"Cohen; I have no idea what to say to her. She's going to want to hear more about Ryan and…" Summer stopped her train of speech, realising that Seth knew fine well what Ryan's condition was, and probably didn't need to be reminded anymore. _At least my best friend is conscious…will live._

Summer looked apologetically up into Seth's eyes. He managed a small smile, understanding what she was thinking, and pulled her closer to him.

"She's your best friend Sum…just be yourself and you'll figure out something. You've spent enough time with me to know that incessant babbling can fill the silences."

Summer smiled into Seth's chest. "K, Cohen, I'm going in. You gonna be okay out here?"

"I'll be fine…gives me time to catch up on the latest from In Style magazine…I wonder if this season's colour will compliment my hair" Seth smiled lightly at her, trying to lighten the mood.

Summer gently hit Seth across the chest as she got up. Kissing him on the forehead before she left, Summer took a deep breath and entered Marissa's room.

"Hey Coop, I brought you some stuff from home, y'kno, help you feel a bit more umm…comfortable" _Summer, you idiot; the only thing that'll make Marissa comfortable at the moment is Ryan._

"Thanks Sum." Marissa wearily replied, swollen eyes preparing to give out yet more tears.

"Oh, Cooop," Summer wailed as she sat on the corner of Marissa's bed and engulfed her in a hug, careful not to touch any of Marissa's many wounded parts.

"Is there any news on…R…Ry?" Marissa asked, eyes pleading with Summer to be able to tell her good news.

Summer shook her head dejectedly. "He's still in a coma, we've just to wait and see…what happens."

Marissa nodded slowly, allowing more tears to roll silently down her face.

"Its my fault Sum"

"No, nooo, sweetie, you can't think like that. The only person to blame is that goddam assshat. Lucky for him the police have got him, otherwise he'd be facing the rage blackout to end all rage blackouts."

Marissa giggled slightly in spite of the situation.

"But it is my fault Sum…I distracted him when he was driving…and then…and th-en…after the crash, he came back for me."

Summer was about to butt in , but stopped herself, sensing this was something Marissa wanted to get off her chest.

"He was so hurt Sum, but he managed to get out of the car. I was just ready to give up and accept my fate; I'd given up, I couldn't be bothered to fight. But Ryan could…he fought, and he managed to get himself out to safety." Marissa choked.

"And then, he – he came back for me. He couldn't get me out; I couldn't get me out. We just sat, and stared and…and he was crying Sum! I saw it; there was a tear, tears. And I smiled knowing he would be the last thing I would see. But then, he had this, this look, and he rammed himself against the door again…and it came open. He couldn't even walk, Sum, but he threw himself at that door!" Marissa wailed, holding tightly onto her friend, trying to find the composure to finish her story.

"It came open, and he just rolled me straight onto his back and crawled away. And then he covered me from the blast…he saved my life Sum…now he's d—dy—dying because of that…he should have just left me instead of coming back, he would have had a chance then. But now, its like…he's given his…life…for me"

Marissa collapsed into Summer's arms, raking sobs piercing the silence. Summer, too, had tears streaming down her face and a knot in her throat.

"But that's Chino, Coop, he'd do anything for you. You know he wouldn't have it any other way."

Marissa nodded and drew breath "I know he would, I know that now. If only I'd been sure of that earlier. Cause now I might not get the chance to tell him how I feel…how I really felt…that I'm sorry, so sorry."

Summer bit her lip to stop her own sobs from coming out. "Chino's a fighter Coop, hell, he's just proved that to us yet again. I'd bet that…I bet that he could still hear you if you talked to him, even though he is…is in a coma"

Marissa nodded again and drew back from Summer as she wiped her eyes. "Maybe. I…I want to see him. The doctors' said it was too soon to move me, but I want to, I need to see him."

"We'll see what we can do Coop. We'll see what we can do."


	5. Talking

The Cohens' and Summer were sitting nervously in a room, where Ryan's doctor was giving them the latest on his condition. 

"Well, he's still with us, which in itself is miraculous. There's not many fully grown men that would have survived, saving someone else's life in the process, let alone a teenage boy. He clearly had something to fight for."

"Coop" Summer muttered under her breath, causing Seth to tighten his grip on his girlfriend and gently kiss the top of her head.

"However," the doctor continued, "It's too soon to tell what the overall outcome is going to be for Ryan; right now we need to focus on the if and when he wakes up. I'm sorry to tell you, but I have to in order to be realistic, that it could be weeks, months...even years...if at all before that happens"

Kirsten descended into tears and collapsed into her husbands arms. Seth and Summer held each other as close as possible as they sat entwined together on a chair, their heads buried in each other. It was left to Sandy to focus on what the doctor was saying.

"Is there anything we can do to help Ryan wake up?" Sandy asked, his voice inclining at the end, indicating to the doctor that this was in fact a plea and not a question.

The doctor blew out heavily as he looked into Sandy's eyes and saw the desperation that existed there.

"Anything at all?" Sandy said. _Please...please tell me there's something, anything, that I can do to somehow help my son...I can't stand this, this helplessness, of having to sit by and do nothing whilst Ryan slips away._

"Well," the doctor said, choosing his words carefully, "we have had reports from coma patients who have recovered that they can hear everything that is said to them whilst they are comatosed...so you should continue to talk to Ryan - talk about anything, the subject doesn't matter - the important thing is that Ryan knows you are there and hearing people speaking to him may encourage him to pull through and wake up."

Sandy nodded, relieved to hear that there was something he could do, even if he did feel like the doctor was coming up with this just to placate him. Still, he valued the effort.

The doctor swallowed before speaking once more. "I do have to warn you that if Ryan does wake up, there are no gurantees what state he will be in...but we will cross that bridge when we get to it."

The doctor nodded at Sandy before leaving the room. Moments later, a sobbing Summer lifted her head away from Seth and quietly asked "What are we gonna tell Coop?"

Somehow the mood in the room was able to drop even lower. Marissa was in a bad state emotionally, and this was severely hindering her physical recovery. It seemed the only thing that would be able to help her was Ryan; the one thing they were unable to give her.


	6. Kirsten

Kirsten entered Ryan's room quiertly, not wanting to disturb him, before realising that it was very hard to disturb Ryan at the moment. Tears welled up once more in her eyes, which were already red and swollen.

She sat down beside Ryan's bed and took her had in hers. "Hey Ryan. How you doing kid? Not so good I see, but we really need you to wake up for us. You've never let us down before Ryan, please don't do it now. We're all so so proud of you and everything you've accomplished. We've never given up on you, and we're not prepared to do that now either."

Kirsten faltered, having to mentally remind herself that Ryan was not going to respond.

"Umm, well, Marissa sends her love. She's doing...okay, kid, she's okay. But she really needs you to wake up, we all do. Life just isn't the same anymore...you've changed us all so much since you came into our lives, and I don't want to go back to the way things were before. I don't think the Newpsies have quite forgiven me for bringing you, the 'juvenile delinquent' into our midst." She laughed and cried at the same time, brushing Ryan's hair out of his face before standing up and wrapping her arms tentatively around him, kissing his cheek.

Sandy entered the room and quickly walked over to his wife's side, rubbing her back. "And Kirsten's not even a hugger!" he quipped. Kirsten smiled slightly then stood up and held Sandy close to her. "I'm scared Sandy, we can't lose him, we just can't"

"We won't. Ryan's a fighter, aren't you kid. He'll pull through," Sandy comforted. But his optimistic stance was there for more than one reason; the fact of the matter was that Sandy couldn't bare to contemplate anything different happening. 


	7. Summer

"Hey Chino. Now, I apologise in advance if I rage blackout on you, but this moody silence you're pulling has gone on long enough! Stop brooding and talk to us!"

Ryan did not respond.

"Chino, c'mon, you can talk to me"

Nothing

"Alright Chino, thats it! You need to wake up RIGHT NOW! Marissa is a wreck; you've saved her life" - "thank you so much for that!" Summer broke off - "but now you've got to save her soul! She's a broken mess and you're the only one who can fix her."

Zippo

"Don't even get me started on Cohen! Poor Captain Oats is severely depressed from listening to him all the time, which obviously upsets Princess Sparkles, which then upsets me. OH MY GOD, I sound like Cohen; Ryan you've got to help me!"

Yet Ryan still did not respond.

"AARRGGGGH!" Summer stormed out of the room.

A few minutes later Summer returned quietly and sat down next to Ryan.

"Sorry about that, rage blackout over. I'm just so...freaking...ANGRY that Volchek did this, that you're in a coma." Her voice softened. "Ryan, you really don't deserve this. I know we're not that close, but you're a really great guy, and you have no idea how much you affect all our lives. Its just not the same without you. You need to wake up and get back with Coop, because you two have never been happier then when you're together. And everyone knows that great romances can't end without the star-crossed lovers being on again; and its about time you and Coop were on again." She smiled weakly at him.

"K, well I'd better go soon; Cohen wanted to see you." Summer stood up and bit her lip before kissing Ryan quickly on the cheek.

"That better not be why you're keeping quiet Chino, because seriously, thats the most you're gonna get out of me."

Summer walked over to the door. Glancing out the window she saw black messy curls sticking up just in view, which unmistakably belonged to Seth. Summer smiled softly to herself. She turned back round to face Ryan.

"Ykno, I never did thank you for bringing Cohen into my life. I don't know what I'd do without him." Summer swiftly clamped a hand over her mouth. "Don't you ever tell him I said that, he'd never shut up about it! Rage blackouts, remember?" With that, Summer smiled and left the room. 


	8. Seth

"Hey man, thought I'd get in a little Seth/Ryan time. Whats that Ryan?...I can't quite hear you."

"Yes Ryan, you guessed it, I'm here, in your room, alone, full of incessent chatter I just need to get out...and you can't say anything to shut me up! Dude, seriously, for your sanity, you've gotta wake up, cos I'm not gonna stop talking till you do. No siree."

There was no reaction from Ryan.

Seth whistled, "Tricky customer, eh? Well, in that case I guess I'll have to bring out the big guns. Thats right, it's time to talk, non stop, about Summer. Sum-mer. Summmmmer. Nothing?" Seth sat back in the chair, planning his next move.

"Yeowch. What if I mention fish sex - I am definately more of a shark now. Well, ok, maybe I'm not quite at shark level, but I'm up there with the big boys...oh god that sounded wrong. Well, lets just say I'm more of an electric eel...yeah, I'm electric!" Seth clasped his hands together and did an arm wiggle, before stopping midway through and holding a finger up in the air.

"You know what, there was a reason you said never ever to mention fish sex again...I think I'm gonna belatedly take that advice."

Seth sighed to himself. "Dude, cmon, its time you stopped giving me the silent treatment. You should wake up, there are some very cute nurses here - Oh God please don't tell Summer I said that, please!"

"Hmm, the nurses not doing anything for you? Is that because you're hung up on a certain young woman - oh what was her name - ahh yes, Marissa Cooper, perhaps? Haha, I've got you there, haven't I!"

"Well Ryan, I can tell you, she needs you. Marissa Cooper needs rescuing, and the word on the street is that only you, Kid Chino, have the power to save Cosmo Girl. Thats right Ryan, time for your Marissa Cooper Saviour Complex to kick in and get its freak on! Its perfect; you can go against medical history - therein breaking the rules, something you seem fond of - in order to save your damsel in distress. Its how its always been, why break with tradition now?"

Seth glanced at his watch. "Alright man, my times up, so I'll catch you later. Seth/Ryan time will be back after a break. Now, I want you to think about what I've said and WAKE UP!" Seth stood up after that short outbreak and hesitantly patted Ryan on the hand before quickly leaving the room. 


	9. Marissa

Sandy put the phone down and turned to his wife. 

"Well, I managed to get in touch with Dawn, and she's going to get the next flight she can straight down."

Kirsten nodded weakly. "I'll get the guest room set up then, she'll probably need somewhere to stay."

Sandy nodded in agreement and breathed out heavily. His next task was a visit to Marissa's room, something all the Cohens had come to face with much trepidation. Physically, Marissa's body was slowly healing. However, the emotional injuries were clear, not just because of the constant crying and the things that Marissa said; most noticeable was the fact that Marissa's eyes were dull and lifeless; the sparkle was completely gone from them and the only time they glistened was when fresh tears formed.

Sandy was shocked when he entered the room to see that Marissa was smiling.

Seeing Sandy standing there, clearly dumbfounded, Marissa grinned up at him and answered his silent question. "They said they would let me see Ryan today; its only for a couple of minutes, but at least I get to see him."

Sandy forced a smile, albeit a weak one, back at her. "That's err...thats...great, Marissa." _What the heck am I meant to say? Telling her about Ryan's condition is nothing compared to seeing him...realising even more how serious the situation is. Will this help her get better? Because there's a niggle there telling me that seeing him, visualizing how bad things actually are, will send her further in the wrong direction. I guess if this is what she wants though, then we shouldn't stand in the way._ Sandy brushed a hand furtively through his hair, whilst Marissa looked on.

_He has no idea how much this means to me...none of them do. They probably think that I don't understand how badly he's hurt, but I do; I saw him when he saved me, I knew then that it was bad. And I know that it will probably rip my heart in two to see him there, hurting, knowing that it has been made so much worse by me. But I have to see for myself that he's alive - at least for the moment. I have to see him before its too late. I have to be able to thank him for what he did; I need a chance to say all those things I never said and always should have._

Marissa was wheeled slowly into the room by a nurse, her eyes clamped shut. She wanted to be alone in this moment. So many conflicting emotions were flying through her head; excitement that she could finally see Ryan, guilt caused by the knowledge that because she was here, he was there, longing to see him again and fear that he wouldn't stick around much longer.

"You're only allowed a few minutes with him; I'll be back in soon to collect you," the nurse said in hushed tones.

Marissa nodded and kept her eyes clenched tightly until she heard the click of the door behind her. Taking a deep breath she pried her eyes open and immediately blinked back tears at the sight in front of her.

Ryan Atwood was broken.

Her rock, her knight in shining armour, the one dependable in her life, was broken. His lifeless body lay there on pristeen white sheets which highlighted the grey, sallow complexion on his face. Most of his body was swathed in bandages or darkened by bruises. His room was filled with countless machines that all made worrying noises and were attached to him in various places.

Edging closer to his bed, Marissa took a tiny amount of comfort in seeing the slow, slight raising of his chest. His delicate blue eyes were hidden behind closed lids that seemed stuck together, so long ago was it that she had last seen them.

**_/Marissa blearily managed to open one eye, squinting out of it to see what was disturbing her from getting away from all of the pain. Recognising the figure on the other side of the window, she opened the other eye and stared at him. She tried to open her door, but her hands wouldn't move and she couldn't lift them. So she stared into the endless blue pools of his eyes, taking in everything about him, feeling like she could see into his soul, thinking that they had never connected like this before and hating the cruel irony that it happened now. She stared for as long as she could, feeling the rest of her body giving up but not wanting to go yet. She fought to keep her eyes open; each time they closed it became more and more difficult to get them to open again. Head spinning and images blurring, Marissa succumbed./_**

Rocking uncontrollably in her chair as she revisited that night and then looked at the man in front of her, Marissa finally slumped forwards and into unconsciousness, falling in stages onto the floor as she did so.


	10. Julie

Nurse Karen was walking along the corridor of the ICU unit when she heard high pitched beeping coming from Ryan Atwood's room. Rushing in she discovered a woman lying motionless on the floor, and Ryan Atwood's body in cardiac arrest. Frantically she pushed his alarm and yelled for help down the corridor.

111111111111111111

"Hey sweetie" Julie cooed as her daughter wearily opened her eyes. Pain surged through her head at the brightness of the room and she quickly shut them again.

"What…where..?" Marissa's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"You passed out when you went to visit Ryan. He went into cardiac arrest which alerted one of the nurses, and they came in and found you as well."

At this Marissa's eyes shot open in utter fear. "Is Ryan still…is he ok?"

111111111111111111111111

"Mr Cohen?"

Sandy's head leapt from his chest as he answered the doctor. "Yes, that's me."

"We have some news on Ryan." Kirsten's hand tightened its grip on Sandy's. "Ryan seems to have got through this blip; his condition is stabilised again. He's not giving up just yet." The Cohen's breathed a sigh of relief; once again Ryan had refused to leave them.

"Do you – know what caused him to go into cardiac arrest?" Sandy questioned.

The doctor frowned slightly as he responded. "I have to tell you it was somewhat unusual – though of course nothing about Ryan's case is normal – but it appears Ryan's body was suddenly under immense strain; his body was incredibly stressed. It seems like he tried, subconsciously, to physically exert himself, to the point that it caused too much strain on his heart."

"Marissa." Kirsten uttered under her breathe. Sandy nodded. "Is it feasible this could've been caused by Marissa Cooper passing out?"

The doctor sighed heavily. "Medically speaking, it is highly unlikely that Ryan would be aware of or be able to respond to her losing conciousness. On the other hand, speaking as an old romantic, I guess you could say he sensed she was in danger."

Kirsten smiled weakly. "That's our Ryan."

"Ultimately, I would take encouragement from the fact Ryan has got through this stage of the ordeal; having survived this gives is hope that he may take further steps towards recovery."

11111111111111111111

"Hello Ryan," a voice said stiffly.

Julie Cooper sat tentatively in his bedside chair. Her usually perfect visage had slipped; bags lined her eyes and her make up free face had a red, puffy tint to it.

Clearly her throat softly, she began talking – quietly, timidly. "Umm…ok, so we've never talked a lot – and that's particularly due to me. I know we've rarely seen eye to eye on…life, particularly when it comes to Marissa. But recently, I've had to do a lot of growing up, made changes to my life, and now I can see – and can admit – that the way I treated you was wrong. When you came into our lives, my community, you were like a blast from the past; you remembered me exactly of where I came from and what I so easily could've become. And that scared me. And I was scared for Marissa as well; I knew what guys from Riverside were like, and I wanted to protect her from that. Recently I've realised and come to accept that that view isn't necessarily accurate and was naïve.

Out of all the guys – well, people – Marissa's been with, you're the only one who's really been there for her through thick and thin. And she's undoubtedly been happiest when she's with you.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Ryan, is…thank you. Thank you for always being there for her; thank you for not giving up and abandoning her when I made things difficult for you. Thank you for saving her life, for saving my baby. You're just about the only person that would've been able to save her from that car, and you did it, even when you could've taken the selfish – albeit sensible – route and just given up when you were out of the car.

So many people want, no NEED, you to wake up. And if – no, WHEN, you wake up, I, erm, I want you to know that if things progress romantically with Marissa, then you have my blessing." Julie's cheeks flushed as she allowed a wry smile to cross her face. _Bet you never thought you'd have rattled off that speech to Ryan Atwood a few years ago. _


	11. Speaking

Dawn shakily entered the Cohen mansion and hurried into the kitchen, Sandy following close behind her.

"Hey Dawn" Kirsten said softly. Dawn looked at her with teary eyes and in a matter of seconds the two women found themselves in a tight embrace.

"Poor Ryan, I can't – I just can't believe it. He looked so…" Dawn sniffed as they pulled apart.

"We know" Sandy replied, placing a hand on the small of his wife's back. "We have trouble fathoming that that's our Ryan lying there…it's just not right."

"And to think I bought him that damn car!" Dawn sobbed.

"Hey" Sandy said sharply. "This is not your fault; do not blame yourself for buying Ryan that car. None of us could have foreseen this and the only person we need to blame is Kevin Volchok."

"You did a great thing buying him that car Dawn; you saw on his face how much it meant to him."

Dawn nodded and smiled faintly. Once again the Cohen's were showing what amazing people they were.

11111111111111111111111111

Weeks rolled by and still there were no signs of Ryan waking up. The doctors were quietly confident that he was at least stable now; he wouldn't suddenly be leaving them. At the same time though they had to acknowledge that the longer the coma continued the chances of Ryan waking up and making a full recover diminished.

Dawn had gone home after a couple of weeks, needing to return to her job which she had promised Ryan she would maintain. The Cohen's were under instruction to call her if there were any developments. Once again she left, telling them to take good care of her son, care she'd never been able to give him. So they had parted, with Kirsten quietly whispering to Dawn that Ryan needed her to be strong at this time, which meant she should refrain from drinking and going back to that downwards spiral. For Ryan's sake, Dawn had concurred, ignoring the overwhelming urge to buy a bottle of vodka and escape the situation.

Marissa's body was gradually healing but the emotional scars ran much deeper. She was a shadow of her former self; barely eating and barely talking. The doctors informed her that they heavily recommended therapy to help her deal with what had happened, but Marissa refused point blank. She didn't want to talk to someone about her problems until she could talk to Ryan. Thoughts of therapy reminded her of Oliver, and thoughts of Oliver reminded her of Ryan, and the conversation they'd shared moments before setting off in the car for the airport on _that_ night.

Since the day when she'd collapsed in Ryan's room, Marissa had been allowed to visit a few more times. Having seen just how broken Ryan was, Marissa was sometimes reluctant to see him; on her bad days she wanted nothing more than to wallow in the memories of the good times they had together; seeing Ryan in his current state burst that bubble and brought her crashing back down to earth. Little innocuous words or phrases people uttered suddenly had greater meaning to her and took her back to a moment with Ryan. Everyday –

"_Did you ever wonder why I went to the poolhouse to find you?"_

"_Everyday. _

_Here's your chance. Clear the air. Tell me"_

- she found herself remembering moments she had previously forgotten about.

And what hurt the most was the fear that she'd never have moments like that with Ryan again.

Which was why on those visits to Ryan's room, she'd yet to actually say anything to him. There hadn't been another passing out incident though; instead, Marissa would sit, or stand, and stare at him, tears silently flowing down her cheeks as her mind wandered to some poignant moment in their history. To speak would mean disturbing those memories; speaking would also brutally highlight the fact that Ryan wasn't going to respond to a word she said.

11111111111111111111111111111111

Tentatively Marissa stood outside his door, bracing herself for the familiar shocking sight she knew awaited her. _Its only Ryan. _Pushing the door open with as much force as she could muster, Marissa marched quietly over and sat in the bedside chair, refusing to look at the bed until she felt ready.

Breathing out heavily, Marissa opened her eyes as she reached for Ryan's hand. _Which memories is it gonna be today then Ry? God I wish you could talk to me. _

"Look, I don't talk, alot about…stuff and I really don't trust people… but I trust you, and I wanna make it - this - work, no matter what..."

Marissa smiled to herself as she remembered their first kiss on the Ferris Wheel. That was arguably one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for her; the parallel's to The Notebook making it all the more perfect for her.

Communication. That's what so many of their problems boiled down to. But on that leaving day, they seemed to be taking steps in the right direction to remedy that; summing up their relationship and being able to look back on it fondly.

It felt almost like an epiphany to Marissa; all those times they'd condemned each other for not talking enough, and here she was, refusing to speak to him. Its time.

"Hey Ry…" she gasped. Words stuck in her throat and refused to come out, but at least she'd done it, she'd spoken.

And through the tears clouding her eyes, Marissa was sure for a fleeting moment she'd seen the smallest twitch of Ryan's finger in her hand.


	12. Responding

A few days later Marissa was back in Ryan's room, curled up in the chair once more and sipping tentatively on ice-cold water as she sought to remove the lump in her throat.

"Ry…it's me, Marissa. I'm here. Plea-" Marissa's voice started to falter but she pressed on regardless. "Please wake up baby; you have to wake up. You can't leave me here!"

The all too familiar tears started cascading down Marissa's face. Leaning over the bed she laced her fingers with Ryan's cold ones and squeezed his hand tightly.

"Wake up Ryan. Please. You have to wake up. Everyone needs you – misses you. Sandy, Kirsten, Seth, Summer, your mom came down – heck even my mom came down to see you. And what about me? What am I supposed to do without you?"

"_I don't want to see them ever again, and I don't want to go back!"_

"_Yeah; what about your dad…and Kaitlin, Summer – what about me? What am I supposed to do without you? I mean, I'd get over you eventually but it'd take a while"_

"Truth is Ry, I don't think I'll ever get over you. At least not if you leave me like this; you can't leave me without giving me the chance to say goodbye!

Remember that time I ran to Theresa's after my Mom and Luke incident? And how adamant I was that I wasn't going to go home…ever? You were the only person who could convince me otherwise, the only person who could save me from myself. Well now you need to save **yourself**, and I'll be here to help you. Just wake up.

I err…I remember _that night_ when-" Marissa stopped again, this time breaking into wrenching sobs.

Taking a few minutes to recompose herself, she then continued. "God, I'm sorry Ryan. It's just so hard; remembering that night and seeing you here. You shouldn't be here Ryan, you shouldn't, IT'S NOT RIGHT!" she screamed. "You're the strong one, you're not supposed to be lying in a hospital bed, in a coma, d-d-dy…"

Marissa exhaled deeply. "I need you Ryan. I just don't work properly without you in my life. I know it's selfish; I'm only here because you saved me; God knows how you did it Ry, but you did. You should've saved yourself though; I'm not worth it. I'm a mess. How could I be so stupid to get involved with Volchok. Look what he did to you…did to us. So…sorry for all the craziness."

"_Sorry for all the craziness."_

"_I wouldn't have done it any differently…except maybe Oliver."_

"_Me too."_

"And I'm sorry its taken me so long to come here and talk to you; it's just so – hard, knowing that I won't hear your voice replying to me, or feel your arms wrap around me when it gets too much. But I promise things will be different now; I'll talk more – as long as you do too. C'mon Ryan, wake up…for me?"

The silence that ensued was broken by Marissa's giggle. _Well it was worth a try. Though what did you think you were Marissa, a miracle worker?_

"Ok, umm, I think I'd better go now; they don't like me spending too long in here in case it gets too much for me."

Marissa stood up shakily and leant over Ryan, gently placing a lingering kiss on his forehead.

"Bye Ry" she whispered as she walked away. "I'll be back soon."

Just before she left the room, a voice so faint it could barely be heard rasped; "Stay….don't – leave."


	13. Amongst Angels

Marissa whirled round on her heels, convinced that she was having a complete breakdown. She was rooted to the spot by the vision before her. _It can't be true…can it?_

Ryan's hand found the railing of the bed and he gripped it tightly, pain coursing throughout his entire body. Blearily he opened his eyes a fraction, only to be hit by blinding light. Giving himself a few moments to recover, he opened them hazily and focused straight ahead of him.

It was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. Light shining in through the window gave Marissa an unearthly glow, like an aura. Ryan struggled to understand what he was seeing, but as he gazed at the figure before him, he suddenly realised he was unaware of the pain that had beleaguered his body just seconds before.

_She must be an angel; that glow, the radiance. This…this must be Heaven then; that's why the pain has suddenly stopped. And it's all white and light, just like people imagine._

_Why is she staring at me like that? Am I supposed to do something; maybe it's more of a test; maybe I have to work out what she wants in order to get to Heaven? But…I don't feel like I can move. My arms; they're all heavy, and the rest of me feels all rigid._

_Wait…how – how did I get here? I remember…no, I don't remember. Everything seems so fuzzy in my head. There was…darkness; everything was – black. That must've been when I died. _

_There was – a girl? – with me…I wonder what happened to her. She was very pretty; a bit like this – angel? – here. Maybe she knows what happened to her? _

_Oh, she's moving towards me. It's like she's floating over. I want…want to say something, but I just can't find the words. What do you say to something as beautiful as her without sounding ridiculous? _

_She's leaning over me now, and for the life of me I can't move. I'm frozen stiff; I want to speak, or move, or something but I can't; she's captivated my heart on a completely different level. Her lips are moving but I can't make out any sound; all I can focus on is the movement of her mouth and the way her eyes are sparkling._

_She looks directly into my own eyes and something fuzzily clicks in my head; I've seen eyes like these before. Only…only they were loosing their lustre when I saw them. Something about that creates a deep pit of dread in my stomach; there's some bad memory attached to eyes like these going dark. But what was it?_

_Flashes of something I can't make out fill my mind. And then the overwhelming feeling of pain comes surging back. But this time it doesn't go away. I open my eyes further as the room suddenly darkens; I realise its because the sunlight is no longer streaming in through the window._

_Which means that I'm not in Heaven – and not dead – and she's not an angel, though she is very beautiful. Her hand caresses my cheek and I shiver involuntarily, tingles going up my spine. This seems to have a soothing effect; it takes my focus off the pain slightly at any rate._

_I look back at her as she stares at me, and I realise her face is shining with tears – but good tears, I think, because at the same time she's smiling. I swallow thickly, finding the need to say something, because she's clearly been talking to me; the words just haven't registered. _

"Who – who are you?"


	14. The Reintroduction

A\N: Sorry for the delay, but I've been snowed under with exams and revision the last couple of weeks. Thankfully they're all bar one out of the way now, so I can get back to posting more regularly )

"Who – who are you?" The words reverberated through Marissa's skull with devastating effect. The hand that had previously caressed Ryan's cheek so gently now froze as Marissa stared blankly ahead of her. A small whimper escaped her lips which she struggled to contain as her face contorted with emotion.

_He doesn't know who I am! He doesn't….how can he not…he can't…he doesn't….why? Why can't he remember me? Oh God, what will he think; this strange girl sitting here in his room, crying at him, with her hands on him._

Marissa pulled her hand sharply away from Ryan's cheek and backed up away from his bed. A frown flashed briefly across Ryan's forehead as he continued to stare up at her. _She looks sad. Well, obviously she was sad before, given the tears and everything, but she looks sadder now…hurt. Emotionally perhaps, not physically, although – _Ryan's eyes now took in Marissa's body more clearly, and he realised that she had in fact clearly been physically hurt at some time in the near past. Cuts lined her arms and face, and a hint of bandage could be seen between her top and bottoms. _I wonder what happened to her? Where did she come from?_

As Ryan continued to stare at her, Marissa realised that she needed to answer him. But how could she explain to Ryan who she was; their relationship had never been simple; how could she sum up in a few short words who she was and exactly what he meant to her. There was no real label that could be attributed to their situation at that given moment and the days leading up to the crash. And of course there was his irrefutable choice of words.

Swallowing thickly she gave the only answer she could to that particular question.

"Whoever you want me to be" Marissa whispered, laughing sadly aloud as she did so.

A frown once more graced Ryan's head. "Okaaay" he rasped.

_Now what Marissa? You need to say something; he'll be thinking you're a right freak, and then he won't want you coming back to visit him. I can't have that; I have to be able to see him; at least he's alive. Good God, he's ALIVE, he WOKE UP! I've just heard him speak when I never thought I would again. So I should just try and talk to him, no matter how hard it is, because at least I have the chance to._

Marissa's thoughts were broken by Ryan's quiet voice. "Hey, can I bum a drink?" he said, flicking his eyes towards the cup of water she still held and gingerly trying to raise one of his hands. Instead of giving him the cup, she raised it to his mouth and tipped it gently until he nodded that he was done and then smiled at her.

"So what are you doing here, seriously?" he asked, beginning to find his voice after the water had soothed his throat.

Taking a deep breath, Marissa responded. "Seriously? I was in a car. Crashed it. Actually my ex boyfriend did. Since he was drunk and tried to kill me he's in jail. Yo…someone got me out of the car. As I was practically dead they brought me here."

Ryan stared at her, trying to take this all in. "You're a patient here, right?"

"Right."

Just then the door opened and a nurse walked in. "Marissa sweetie, your times up. Best get you back to bed."

Eyes shining Marissa turned around. "He's awake!" she said, causing the nurse to come running over. "He just woke up!"

"Oh my god!" exclaimed the nurse. "Mr Atwood can you hear me?"

Ryan nodded at her, incredibly confused by what was going on, and very intrigued by this…Marissa? "Call me Ryan" he wheezed.

"Okay, Ryan, I'm going to go and get some doctors to look at you, I'll be right back. Marissa, I'm afraid you'll have to leave so the doctors can see to Ryan" she said, smiling apologetically at the young girl with so much pain, relief and emotion etched on her face. Marissa nodded in response.

Chewing her lip as she worked out what to say to Ryan, she turned back to focus her attention on him. Letting her emotions get the better of her, she leaned down and tentatively hugged him. "K, well, I have to go now. I'm…I'm so glad your awake" she sobbed into his pillow.

Pulling up and trying to compose herself Marissa smiled at Ryan. "Sorry. I know you don't…don't remember – me…" _Look at the pain on her face as she says that. I must know her well if it affects her that much. I think…I think I do. Seeing her hurting like this is the last thing I want…it feels like I'd do anything to take that pain away. _"…but you mean a lot to me Ryan, an awful lot. We had…have a lot of history together. Anyhow, I'll come and see you again as soon as I can – if you'll let me?" Marissa stood before him, feeling like she'd bared her soul to when really she was a relative stranger to Ryan.

Blushing slightly Ryan coughed and replied. "Err, yeah, that's – fine." Marissa breathed a sigh of relief, but the overwhelming pain of Ryan not knowing who she was resided heavily with her. "I'd – I'd like that" Ryan added and Marissa's face instantly lit up at this small encouragement. Ryan found himself smiling at the effect his words had had on Marissa.

"Ok." She murmured. Darting forwards, Marissa softly pecked Ryan's forehead then turned around as quickly as she could and rushed out of the room, leaving a very dazed and perplexed Ryan in her wake. Now that Marissa's presence was gone from the room, Ryan was immediately very much aware that he was alone in a hospital, barely able to move and in a great deal of pain. As his machines beeped around him he could do nothing but wait as the distant footsteps of approaching doctors gradually got louder.


	15. Spreading the Word

Sandy put the phone back on its cradle and stood totally still. _It can't be. This can't be happening. It's…it's am-_

"Sandy? Sandy?" Kirsten's worried tone slowly dragged Sandy out of his stupor. "Who was it? What is it? Was it – Ryan?" _Why isn't he saying anything? Why hasn't he responded – oh God that must mean its bad news. No. No!_

As Sandy turned to face her, Kirsten could see that her husband's eyes were brimming with tears. "No, no! Sandy, tell me, please, Sandy!"

But Sandy's glassy eyes merely stared back at her. Too focused on them, Kirsten wasn't aware of the beaming smile breaking across his face until he croaked out the immortal words "He's awake." The grin spread right across Sandy's face and he started to laugh, his voice getting higher and louder as he repeated "He's awake! Ryan's awake! HE'S AWAAAAKE!"

Kirsten burst into tears and flung herself into Sandy's arms. The pair danced around the hallway, not caring about the walls and ornaments they were bumping into. Coming to a halt near the front door they collapsed further into each others arms, holding on as tightly as they could. Not even the sound of Seth's keys rattling in the door could move them.

"Mom? Dad? What's going on?" As Kirsten's tearstained face moved from Sandy's shoulder to look at her son, Summer grabbed a tight hold of her boyfriend's hand.

"Seth – Summer…Ryan's AWAKE!!" As the words burst from Kirsten's mouth Summer emitted a high pitched scream and ran to embrace the Cohens. Grinning widely Seth added "Well if everyone else is" before running over to join the huddle.

The group stayed together for a long time, and when they eventually did pull apart not a dry eye could be seen. Seth muttered something about allergies and began to walk away, only to be stopped by Summer hitting him across the chest. "Cohen! Your brother just woke up from a coma, I'd be mad at you if you didn't cry!" Seth stared open mouthed at her; unable to think of a retort he simply pulled her close to him and kissed the top of her head. "Ahh, there's my little Summer" he smirked.

"Oh my god, Coop!" squealed Summer. "Does she know yet?"

Sandy nodded at her. "Apparently she was there when he woke up. But – err – well, he didn't really know who she was." Summer's jaw dropped slightly as Sandy continued. "It's nothing to be too concerned about; it can take time to readjust after coming out of a coma. Lets not forget the important thing here; he's pulled through so far and actually woken up!" Summer smiled and nodded softly at Sandy. _That's true; screw everything else, all that matters is that Ryan is awake! Still, it would've been fairytale perfect if he could remember her – but then again I bet it was her that got him to wake up in the first place._

"So when can we see him?" Seth asked. Glancing at his watch, Sandy replied. "Well I guess we can go there now. He might not be awake – might still be sleeping – but we can go see him, and Marissa."

----------------------------------------------

"Seth, keep your voice down, you'll wake him up." Kirsten hissed.

"That is precisely the point mother; the guys done enough sleeping to last him a lifetime!"

"Seth Ezekiel Cohen!"

"Ow!" screeched Seth as Summer's arm thrashed across his chest. "What was that for woman?"

"Because Kirsten can't reach" retorted Summer, sharing a knowing look with Kirsten.

"Why does everyone always gang up on me?"

"Seth…shut up" a husky voice replied. Everyone grinned at Seth's pouting expression before snapping their heads round to the source of the voice.

"RYAN!" Now that he was awake, now she could see for herself that he was awake, Kirsten flung her arms around her adoptive son.

"And Kirsten's not even a hugger" Sandy quipped. Seth stared at him. "Dad, seriously, you've gotta come up with some new material!"

"How are you feeling Chino?" Ryan looked at her. "Well ykno, been better." The family laughed, as Kirsten worriedly looked on. "Can we get you anything sweetie?"

"No, I'm fine thanks. So um…what are you guys doing here?"

"Well Ryan, you woke up from this thing called – a FRIGGIN COMA! Obviously we're gonna come and see you!" an exasperated Seth responded.

"Oh. Right. That. Yehh, umm, thanks. Sorry, I'm just not used to the whole having visitors thing whilst in hospital."

"But you've been in hospital before haven't you?" a perplexed Seth asked.

"Well…yeah, but, umm…"

Seth went to say something else but was stopped by Summer's hand on his shoulder and her gentle hushing noises. Breaking the uncomfortable silence that was growing, Summer tentatively asked the question that had been playing on her mind. "So I hear Marissa was with you when you woke up"

"Err, yeah, she was. How do you guys know Marissa?" a bemused Ryan asked.

Summer elicited only a small sob so Sandy took the reins. "Well, you know how you came to live with me and Kirsten a few years ago." Ryan nodded. "Well Marissa used to live next door, and her and Summer were best friends. Then you came to live with us and you were dat-" A sharp look from Kirsten halted Sandy's initial story. "…you were hanging out with her, Summer and Seth a lot."

"Okay..." frowned Ryan, knowing that there was more to the story than they were letting on. "So we were close?"

"Yehh dude, you were close. So like, can you not remember her at all." Ryan shook his head, annoyed at himself.

"But you can remember us lot?" Ryan nodded slowly at him.

"What's the last thing you can remember?"

"Err…being in the pool with you and Summer. Then you left and I got in the car. Then it gets blurry; that's when the crash was."

Seth whistled in response. Ryan stared at him. "She was there wasn't she? She was there that day. Why can't I remember her?" Frowning, Ryan became more disconnected from the conversation in the room.

"Hey, Ryan, stay with us buddy. Look, you've been through a major ordeal; it is actually a miracle that you're still here. So don't beat yourself up about not being able to remember Marissa; I'm sure that'll come back to you in time. Right now you just need to look at getting better physically, I'm sure everything will fall into place eventually."

Ryan nodded to show that he'd heard Sandy's words, which offered some reassurance. He wasn't even aware of the heaviness sweeping his eyelids until Kirsten's cool hand brushed his forehead and her motherly tone ushered him back to sleep.


End file.
